It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
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[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 馃鈿★笍
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don鈥檛 want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don鈥檛 count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.