[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You Might Also Like
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Wise advice
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.