Me trying to walk in a dream
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
That’s enough internet for the day
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.