“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
the way this pissed me off… 😭
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone