A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
You Might Also Like
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Happy Caturday!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
That eye roll….
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
it must be school picture day
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases