Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Cndnsd Mlk
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.