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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”