Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
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I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology: