Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
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My kitchen overserved me.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey