The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
remember
only for emergencies
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.