Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline