*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Pretty much! 😂👀
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
SCARY COSTUME
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack