I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
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I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.