Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it