If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.