FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Noah was an idiot.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Oh, I bet you would be
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone