Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
every. time.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries