This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Bring back the McRib
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
fr
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier