I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Make new friends? bro out of what?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.