Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
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Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR