I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.