If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
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Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.