[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
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My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.