whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
You Might Also Like
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again