Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do