Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
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Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
#merica
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.