“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
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Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I need to update my racial profile.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*