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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)