My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Is this you?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words