1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
and that’s why I’m fat🤭