God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”