Happy thanksgiving!
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
How about daylight saves us for once
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!