I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
wow he looks just like him
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Why I divorced her.