PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Body by Oreos
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*