Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
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After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Skills
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.