Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.