9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me