Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.