My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
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DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.