[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I am, perchance
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.