me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
who wants to go expliring
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons