I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My dating profile:
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.