“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
#MeanwhileInCanada
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.