[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?