if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When you’re Kinky but poor
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I need better friends
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.