hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak