I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I was just discussing this with my cat
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?