white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*