When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.