Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
best review i’ve ever seen
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas